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I went down my blogs and noticed I haven't uploaded any dreams lately. This isn't because I haven't been having dreams, this is because they're dissipating to quickly. Or I'm deliberately forgetting them. A lot are just to confusing... Things are getting weird.

Admittedly I have been a bit wound up in my own happy little world, till last night, when I doubted myself enough to let the bad back in. Clearly if I want to keep my happy little world I need to trust myself AND my friends enough not to doubt, because a little bit of doubt is to much doubt.

Is it meant to be this hard, or am I just tricky?

Deja You.

Ok so I'm a total utter softy sometimes, and I love the chances for hugs and cuddles.

But I'm indecisive to if I like this.

Actually stuff that I DO like this, it's brilliant. But when I look at where it could go, I see the same dark deceivingly dingy path that I've been down so many times. And I wont Lie, That scares me.  I don't wanna go back! I'm close to tears thinking about the pain and sorrow That've been caused by that simle step in the wrong direction. I wonder if I'll be able to stop it this time. I mainly just wish I could think of something else. Because this is going to torture me I figure it out..

Ah casually Freaking out on your Hawkey, trying to deny something that's obviously true. We make our own destiny, out own fate, I WILL MAKE THIS GO MY WAY!  I can I know I can. and I will.

Eye of the Storm
Circling above
Logics reform
Unforgivingly tough.

Hopeless Dragon

Yes Ladybugs and Gentlebeans, I finally finished my second tribal piece, Dedicated to Madam Dwagon and Hopeless.

Now to do the tree.

Hug withdrawal

Woke up this morning with the frantic urge to go back into my dream. Can't remember what the dream way but hey-ho.
Since then I've made a new MineCraft server, Played enough with Wacko for him to get bored, Uhmm Edited the map a bit for all out situations, and painted a bit more of my current project.

 I'm so incredibley sleepy.... May have to see if I can last another night...

Art galleries...

Are really dull. But the shops aren't so much...  I got myself a pretty plain tudor style ring and my gran a fridge magnet. Wandered around some van gogh peices but overall it was a dull day. But better than the alternative.

The Hatter and Hopeless

Ah the things that happen in a short space of time... My really really happy state as worked down to a more sustainable positive calm. Much easier to work through the day with and think through. But I didn't post my update did I? Ok ill start at the begining.

I'm a curious kid, to be fair, but I don't do straight, In any form, I always have been the bendy ruler in the pot. I like a mystery. I migrate towards things I don't understand and try to figure them out. To fix the problems I have, I have to know how. I don't like not knowing. I like knowledge, I like filling my head with books and information, facts and figures, profiles of those around me. So when someone new turns up, I like to talk to them and find out what they're like. Now cast your mind back down my list of posts to a double post about the Excaliber shoot. I shot with a young boy called Callum and his dad, and had a bloody brilliant time. Now what I don't remember mentioning (I may have though) was that on one of the targets, I'd shot, and everyone else had gone to get the arrows. I-being me and being lazy- was still sat down by the pegs when someone I'd spotted earlier in the day, came up to where I was. It was a narrowish path and I was sat in the middle of it, so I shuffled towards the edge to let him go by. But he didn't go by, he stopped and started talking to me! Now if you were there, you'd understand why A) this was a slightly strange occurrence, and B) I was probably staring at him. Let me explain.

The first time I'd seen this guy all I could see wat the back of him. Or mainly, the fluorescent jacket he was wearing that picked him out as a marshall and arrow finder, like Grews dad was that day. His jacket, much to a lot of peoples amusement, had "Complaints Department" written on it. However I didn't know what it was, but even from a distance you could see the handle of something sticking out from underneath his jacket, and that it was puckered around equipment on his belt.

Now that he was up close, I could see what was puckering up his jacket. They were knives. And machetes. And (as I found out not long after) the handle I'd seen? He just casually had an axe through his back beltloop. Way to pique my curiosity! When he did pass through and move to the next target I got up and followed the path after him. Don't ask me why cause to this day I don't know, all I do know is I was, and still am, completely and utterly fascinated by him.

I didn't know his name until I asked my dad, and by then I'd dubbed him as Hopeless. I saw him around after that, I know I was looking around deliberately to find him. I didn't get much of a chance to talk to him, I'm normally in my own little world at archery, and with everything else I was trying to keep myself sane, and that meant letting my curiosity burn in the background. But at totem I started talking to him again, and it felt a bit like we'd never stopped. (Oh and next time he needs to try harder on the bear hug, he left me able to breathe last time!)

The stangest part for me was liberty. There was a bit of waiting around so we had a fair time to chat. But we chated like old friends, not people who barely knew each other. It feels like I've known him forever. He makes me grin like crazy, hence what I said at the start.

Oh and I managed to write this on a coach, I'm in london for the day. Art gallerys ftw!>.>

Revelations!

I'm hanging on to the last edges of a dream... or just last night in general...

Revelations!
At least my instincts still work. 
So, I'm either still a sucker ruse, or I can still find people that think like me. But this time... maybe a little closer to home. Until yesterday I didnt realise how much of an absoloute sucker I am for hugs. Meh! I am a self confessed hugaholic. Hehe.

Gah bloodtests. I hate them!! In the waiting room at the moment. Grrrrr... Best go...

Brrr

It's 9:00, a Sunday 4° outside and I'm shooting... Is anyone else thinking fuckimg dumb douche?

Shout or shit?

When I created shout, I made It so 3 people could chat together easily.
Then it grew to adding people in.
Now It's a group that isn't mine, that, I can only moderate. I can't kick from it and I can't add to many to it, despite the fact it was made so I could talk to My FRIENDS. Not have to put up with people I despise.
But I don't know what to do. I need to chat with my right hand admin and see what we can do because truly, Shout's not a group I'm comfortable in anymore. It's like my ExF Playlist. It's got all my favourites in it, but now I don't like a lot of the songs and much prefer my Beated list of just the ones I like.

Need to figure out what to do. Because I'm really considering handing it over To Ry and just going...

But I think that counts as Running...

And I said I wouldn't run away...

Do I Don't I...

THAT'S why I had her un-friended.

I honestly do not want her opnions... Mainly because they're probably right.

So

Do I Run...

Or

Do I Stay?


Can't decide.

O....... Crud!

Tonight is a memorable night.

NOT ONLY is it RyRy's Birthday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER, LOVE YOU!!

NOR is it just CHILDREN IN NEED...

MINECRAFT, LADYS AND GENTLEMEN WAS JUST RELEASED!


1.0.0 is released.

4000 log-ins a second
and no lag.

I'm astonished.

Thanks Mojang and everyone else involved...

We love you!

When the words float of the page, its time to sleep.

The words were literally floating... but that was only after about 700 pages in dim lighting.

I'm hardly suprised.

As much as that particular book is... disagreeing to me, it does calm me down and make me feel a bit better.

But it also brings back the Teddyache.

So I'm still not that keen on it.

I'm tired right now, but after homeworks done tomorrow I'm thinkng somr more HER... maybe I have enough for another chapter.
On a side note I can easily read 1000 pages in a day.

I've read 700 today and that's only in 9 hours, I can do 300 more in the remaining 15. No problem. Could probably do it in 12 with the right book... and few distractions.

Anyway, night!

How do we form attachments?

Well, how do we? I've formed so many, some have become like necessitys to me, yet I don't know how I do it. I find it hard not to see Wacko for a few days, because I'm attached to him. I admire my apocalyptic friends, yet I've only met one of them. I constantly worry and fret over Mikey and Teddy, I've never met them, but I'm still attached. What do we need to form an attachment? Extended periods of exposure? Is it thst we have to like it? To feel comfortable? To trust in its reliability? Or is it just instinct? The human mind automaticly grabbing hold of likeable experiences/things/people and telling you you want them around, need them around? Or just our nature helping us settle into routine? Does anyone really know?

Humans set out to complete our main goal. Our main goal is to survive and thrive, and to continue our line and preserve our species. But to do that first we need to grow up, and even then we can't succeed on our own. To complete life, to complete our goals, every person needs a partener. Every human, to achieve their goal, needs to know compassion, kindness, cruelty, and violence, love and hate. And yes, if we never know cruelty and violence, we would never know what's wrong and what's right. And even with the experience, it's not all that black and white. But on the other hand, if you only know cruelty, violence and hatred, then you would never understand love, compassion and kindness, you would turn out dark and nasty without knowing you were doing anything "wrong".
So could it be that infact we form attachments so we can survive? Because without them, we cannot complete our goal, and out primal instincts go against that? Could it be, that to be... Symbolistic, in a way, we are really only have one heart, because to complete our goal we need to find the other? The one that beats the same rhythm, that's in harmony with us, so we can strive and survive? Two heads are better than one, so is it that two hearts are as well?

If so, that would mean that we form attachments to objects because we associate it with what we are looking for? And that if we get attached to an experience or routine, say the methodical: up, out of bed, clean teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast, walk to school routine, then maybe we are looking for someone that compliments the methodicalness of our actions?

If so... What does that say for me? A girl who is attached to bows, arrows, knives, people she's never met, Teddy bears, wacko boys and Hearts-Of-Gold?

And what about you? What would complement your attachments?

Ponder it!

(Yeah boredoms dangerous!)

Ouch.. Okay...

I'm back to normal. Ish.

Well I'm feeling again. The I-Really-Wish-Teddy-Was-Here feeling is back. But I like that feeling it's almost part of me being alive now. And I realised I missed RyRy, I can't even remember why I was pissed at him. Well I'm yawning and up in 7 hours, So night all!

My dads present

My second birthday present of the year, a handmade arrow head! I have to wait untill Monday or late Sunday for the rest of my presents but I'm guessing most of its cash as I'm hard to buy for.

Blasphemy!

Somethings wrong, but I don't know what.
Its strange... I feel content but I'm alone. I can't feel towards Teddy or miss Wacko, I can't feel annoyance at RyRy or even Wonder about Hawkeye, I can still feel physically, but not emotionally. That sounds ridiculous but its what's happening. Couple of days ago I just... forgot. I got caught up in work and youtube and my world just slipped, not even Teddy at the back of my mind. I still get apprehension though. I read up about herobrine, the mythical MineCraft character that's always right on the edge of short render distances, builds symmetrical pyramids, two block high tunnels, leaving a mark but not approachable, not...within distance. Ok the steve outfit with white eyes does freak me out a bit, I've never liked blank things. But the whole Herobrine story got my slightly scared for one night - I know, I will endure the ribbing- and everything just slipped away! I don't know whether I git a glimmer of normal or if the Herobrine story is so similar to my situation with shout I concentrated on it not people... I don't know. I'm still half in the daze to be fair. I feel like... almost like year 6. I had no friends in year 6, just acquaintances. My guy games were fun, they didn't hurt me and I was content. That's what I am now, content. Cold, aching, mystified and sleepy but content. I don't even want to talk to Teddy, that sounds rude but I don't. I'm curious to if he's still in one peice... But the part of me that knows there's nothing to say, that knows he won't respond because he's busy or I'm bugging him, has won. The part of me that always wants to be alone and stand tall, without help, has won. Good or bad? You decide. Only time will tell I spose.

Don't want my birthday to come. Now that does hurt. The promises that were gonna happen... It kills. I hate it... it makes me want to run and hide, go die in a corner. Id sooner fight Teddy in hand to hand combat than face Monday but I can't stop it, days come and go I've just gotta get through it. "Its just an ordinary day, its all your state of mind" comes to my head.

Ok so I just took a break there. Spoke to my friends breifly... Made sure Teddy is in one peice, talked to Ry a bit, showed Wacko the official MineCon trailer... Nothings changed. I keep hearing Tiger call my name though, when I shut my eyes. It sounds so real... I think I'm going crazy.
To be fair... was I ever really sane?

Considering I just finished Eclipse, I'd say I'm mental.

Yo Homie

Today I got marked. You can't see this mark, but its there. I can feel it. It takes someone special, someone amazingly talented and strong and So SO influential to mark me like this. This person probably will never know that through thick and thin and his highs and lows, I will have his back. That like thousands of other people he's touched me. It takes amazing courage and mind over matter to talk to people like he does, to make something seen and directed to thousands feel personal to the person watching it. And it will probably sound ridiculous to the people that haven't yet discovered him, but today I discovered SlyFoxHound and homie, I'm sure glad I did.

Lets get physical?

I get this feeling sometimes... Like musics turned physical. 5FDP - Bad Company feels like its physically hacking at my heart. Shinedown - Call Me will choke me. The Offspring - You're Gonna Go Far kid will pick me up. There's a couple of songs that affect me so bad in the past if shouted in pain.

Hey don't look at me like that.
I'm legally insane.
Its my right.

This was gonna be facebook, but meh.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Water
2. Last phone call: Theo le merpio
3. Last text message: Puppy, brother of Raven
4. Last song you listened to: It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll, ACDC

HAVE YOU EVER:
5. Been cheated on: Many a time.
6. Kissed someone: Yes, recently...
7. Lost someone special: Yes, no matter the definition of Lost
8. Been depressed: Probably.
 
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
9. Red
10. Green
11. Black? Or purple, if blacks a shade
 
LAST YEAR DID YOU:(2010)
12. Made a new friend: Plenty.
13. Fallen out of love: Indeed.
14. Laughed until you cried: Oh yes, I am an archer, ye know.
15. Found out something new: Yes, love and lust are easily mistakeable.
16. Found out someone was talking about you: Oh they do that anyway....
17. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Da, Da.
18. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: I think its 2/3 that I've met, 1/3 that id love to.
19. How many kids do you want to have: At the moment, none.
20. Do you have any pets: Ja, einen ratte
21. Do you want to change your name: Nien.
22. What did you do for your last birthday: Went out with 2 friends I promptly lost...
23. What time did you wake up today: eh, 8:00?
24. What were you doing at midnight last night: Either plating cards or sleeping.
25. Name something you cannot wait for: There's so many things! Next week, my books, SH2...
26. Last time you saw your Mother: 5mins ago?
27. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: My habbits and willpower.
28. What are you listening to right now: The Jack, ACDC
29. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Oh yes, a tomcat infact, and wish I did more often.
30. What's getting on your nerves right now: The fact that I'm sick and my arm kees going dead... and that I'm so indecisive.
31. Most visited webpage: Twitter and deviantArt
32. What's your real name: You mean you don't know it?
33. Nicknames: Ducky! Trouble, Rixy, His Keeper, a fair few mote aswell...
34. Relationship Status: Taken, but not to who everyone thinks.
36. Middle School: Alton Park
37. High school: CCSAC
38. Hair color: Dirty Blonde
39. Long or short: Long
40. Height: Too tall apparently
41. Do you have a crush on someone?: Depends on te day
42: What do you like about yourself?: My many talents and abilitys...
43. Piercings: Ears
44. Tattoos: None as yet, but I know what I'm getting...
45. Righty or lefty: Righty Tighty
 
FIRSTS :
46. First surgery: Adenoid removal..
47. First piercing: Ears
48. First best friend: Conor, forever
49. First sport you joined: Oh lord, Footy, soccer, the wimpy english sport.
50. First vacation: dunno...
51. First love: Person? Billy, I cared for that kid.
 
RIGHT NOW :
52. Eating: Nout
53. Drinking: Nyet
54. I'm about to: Yawn
55. Listening to: T.N.T/can I sit next to you girl ACDC
56. Waiting on: Sleep
 
YOUR FUTURE
57. Want kids?: Nah.
58. Get Married?: Nope, I don't like beimg contained
59. Career?: Not sure...
 
WHICH IS BETTER :
60. Lips or eyes: Eyes
61. Hugs or kisses: Hugs fix everything but I like a kiss...
62. Shorter or taller: Taller
63. Older or Younger: Older, they match my mental age..
64. Romantic or spontaneous: Torn...
65. Nice stomach or nice arms: Looks aren't important
66. Sensitive.? Aslong as they can take a ribbing...
67. Hook-up or relationship: Relo if it works
68. Trouble maker or hesitant: TROUBLE
 
HAVE YOU EVER :
69. Kissed a stranger: Define stranger...
70. Drank hard liquor: Alcohol, I'm against it.
71. Lost glasses/contacts: Glasses
72. Sex on first date: Nien...
73. Broken someone's heart: Yup...
74. Been arrested: Not yet
75. Turned someone down: yup
76. Cried when someone died: Da. Oui. Ja. R.I.P Declan
77. Fallen for a friend?: all the bloody time
 
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
78. Yourself: Depends on the day
79. Miracles: Nope
80. Love at first sight: Yes
80. Heaven: I'm living it... sorta
90. Santa Claus: YES! I shoot with him... :')
91. Kiss on the first date: Hmm... Maybe
92. Angels: Only fallen ones
 
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time?: Ya... *not ashamed *
94. Did you sing today?: Yup
95. Ever given your heart to somebody and have been rejected?: nope not really
96. If you could go back in time: Id make that kiss longer more passionate and sweeter, I never thought it'd be my last.
97. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: 6 May, Wackos B'Day
98. Are you afraid of falling in love?: Nyet, nope.
99. whats your star sign?: Scopio
100. Do you miss your exes?: Da. Ya I do, but tbf, I miss my Teddy Bear more...

Sterotypes and judges.

I keep trying to excuse myself feom the stereotypical path set out for girls. But the truth is I follow the same path, whether I like it or not.

No, I don't wear make up, but I do keep basic hygiene and look after my figure.

No, I don't look up to a particular brilliant celebrity as a role model, but I do seek guidence from people I consider brilliant, and subconsciously learn and copy them.

No, I may not wear dresses, skirts or anything that shows my legs, but I do wear female clothing, skinny jeans, girls camo. (My only shorts are actually designed as a guys garment.)

I don't show my legs because like many girls I'm insecure about my body, but instead of wearing clothes that make it appear otherwise I make up for it by wearing longsleeve tops and jeans, heavy boots and hoodys that cover most my face and hair.

I'm not as snappy and full of attitude as some girls, but believe me I've a sharp tounge when its needed.

I don't deliberately go seeking attention like some, but I know I go about to get it despite the fact I'd rather be unnoticed at the back of the room, and yet I still attract it by being the teachers pet and the "perfect" student.

I'm not as loud in public about relationships and I certainly would display it like some do, but I do take interests and I do notice good looking people, but I aim for personality not looks as much.

I don't openly rebel, but in a school where most kids have sloppy uniform and break the rules, am I rebelling by obeying code of conduct?

My mates go for Black Veiled Brides, Slipknot and Avenged Sevenfold(Rock) and I go for Lynyrd Skynyrd, Queen and Status Quo. Just an older generation of their choices.

So am I different? Am I really as of the path as I think? No, to be truthful I'm not. But there's a fair few differences.

American, Israeli, Scottish, German, Greek, French, Austraian, Tanzanian and Canadian, and that's just some of the nationality sandwich of my friends.

23, 20, 18, 14, 7, 34, 40 and over 50, my friends aren't restricted by age, either.

But don't judge me by my friends alone, talk to me and you'll soon gather a clear impression.
I can be wise beyond my years or sillier than a 4 year old, I can be modest or I can blow my own horn. I can tell the honest truth or lie my arse off and you probably wont know the difference.
I can go from one alias to another in seconds, and I will earn my rank in anyway I see open to me, or maybe carve a door of my own.

I can try and fake it, I can seem bold and brave, reckless and dangerous, but the truth is something different.

The truth is I'm just an insecure, weak-willed, easily led 13 year old girl, who's had a little more heartbreak and life experience than some my age, but I've had some excellent advice too. You know what? I'm nothing special, but I'm gonna leave my mark on this world and I'm going to make sure people remember I was here, because truely? I want to make a difference. Help the bigger picture. If even just touch one life for the better then all this struggle is worth it.

ASTA LA VISTA, BABY, I'LL BE BACK.