This is SO confusing.

My life is so complicated at the moment.

I'm single, but I'm not.
I'm getting better, but I'm not.
I'm in love, but I'm not.
I'm writing more, but I'm not.
I'm happier, But I'm not.

I'm just a bunch of contradictions. (But I'm not.)


Lost yet?
Yeah me to.

MERRRYYY CHRISTMASS!!!

Merry christmas/boring Sunday to you all.

The skull and key necklace are from my gran, and the black neclace is Aunty-Jane made! :D

I will upload anything else if and when I get them.

What did you guys get?

He Can.

He can be loyal,
He can be a toad,
He can be as slow as a turtle,
He can be to fast for logic,
He can be amazing,
He can be insane,
He can be smart,
He can be Naive,
He can be sensational,
He can be legendary,
He can be loud,
He can be a headache,
He can be a softy,
He can be bubbly,
He can be down,
He can be anything.
He can be that one guy that you really really need,

And he will be there! 


He is Wacko.

He is my best friend, and the loyalist person I know.

And in times like these, He is extraordinary.

Dead Dreams on FaceBook!

YEs I got my furry arse round an made a facebook Page.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Duckys-Dead-Dreams/257836247611963?sk=wall

Feel Free to Like!
I'm going to post little extras and links to the blogs on here as they go up.

This boy.

This boy is loyal.
This boy is a fighter.
This boy is comforting.
This boy is a troller.
This boy is smart.
This boy is sensible.
This boy is kind.
This boy is thoughtful.
This boy is lovely.
This boy is legendary.
This boy is quiet.
This boy is loud.
This boy is soft.
This boy rages.
This boy shouts.
This boy puts others first.
This boy helps.

This boy is RyRy.

This boy is my right hand man.

And on nights like these, this boy is amazing.

Survival sever

Ok so I have a survival server 

Then I let Pinky and patch on it...

Oh.. and NETHER SLIME IN MASSIVE FORTRESS! 

on the same server. awesome.

Humm

Watching an ex good friend hugging the school joker. They're going out. It just doesn't seem right. I can't complain, nor judge, she seems happy. And protected. He won't let other people near her... I just thought I knew her...
Apparently I thought wrong. Very wrong.
How was I ever part of that group? Was I ever?
I don't know...
Its just so strange.

So im sitting in the nerd center...

... on the last (half) day before school. Wanna see my view?
(Spot the guys that pissed me off)
(Oh and it snowed breifly earlier. Whoop de doo.)

Go get a life.

That's my message to the twats at school, that think they can switch my friendship on and off as they want it. Simple answer - go get a goddamn life! Oh wait, you are all as ugly as crap and would rather spend your lives in video games. Good luck with that. I do not care about any of you, you've stabbed me in the back to many times. Any loyalty I had is gone, and I hope at some point I get the chance to show you what you've done to me.

Wait till I get my chance. Trust me, and just wait.

You shouldn't worry about me getting angry. Because truely I am the least of your worrys. You made me cry. And I know that given the chance Ry will live up to his threats. And Teddy, with Grew in the rusty spoon, would probably help him.

Oh, Don't look at me like I'm a vindicative bitch reader! It took Teddy singing a good song to make me smile! And then Shout! almost went down the shitter, but that's proof of why I don't like relos within the Shout! group. Shit gets sticky. But I won't take RyRy's happiness away from him, ever, I love him to much to hurt him. I love all my brothers to much.

But then, I'd hope that they love me as a sister too.

Wacko does.

RyRy does (most of the time ;)

Danneh does, he can't hate his Keeper,

Teddy... well Teddy's Teddy, he likes who he wants, when he wants. I think its not going to far from the truth to say that I haven't pissed him off too bad- yet- and that he likes me enough to punch whatever nutter that hurts me in the face.

So yeah. Pinky, Patch, Kit Kat and Action Man, need to just keep away and be civil.

Ha! No chance.

Interesting few days.

I was off school Monday, and got a surprise visit from my dad, which didn't end well. Tuesday I had CHICKEN pizza with Merp, so bye bye vegetarianism.
Today I've had a shitty day, killer stomach cramps (I've taken two paracetamol).
I promise to try and update more!! Buh most stuff is going on my diary blog, which I'm not sharing...
Adios!!

My many Minecraft skins

Thought I'd chuck these up here!

Holy Dragon egg <3

Normal Front

Normal Back

Christmas front

Christmas closeup

Christmas back

Halloween/ninja back

Halloween/ninja closeup

Halloween/ninja front

These are taken on my tester creative world <3

Pig shaped pigs and killer forks

Just two of the things I bumped into today at archery.
I apologize for not updating you all! I mean I got a new laptop Wednesday, found my memory stick....
Pretty boring actually.

Its the little things...

Like when you make a good friend smile, by getting the timing of a text just right. When your friend sends you a heart and tells you "wuv you sis" out of the blue. When your friends start a random word fight and even the mature one joins in. When your dad says something and you both respond with a line, from the same song, at the same time, and end up singing the whole song. When your about to ask for a drink and someone hands you a bottle of lucozade and chocolate. When you realize you're closer than you think.

When I realize I get people watching this blog...

Sore sore sore

Ok here's what hurts:
Throughts sore,
Arse hurts,
Hair feels like its been pulled out,
Wrists have marks on them,
Knees hurt.
No I haven't been shagging or taking part in bondage. This is just me.
Dull day. I feel positivly dead, but I'm warm and entertained so its alllll good. A big shout and happy December to all off my random followers in other countrys! Tanzania, Germany, my guys in the uk, USA and the ones I know I've missed. Wow this years gone faaaastttt, before I know it it will be May again and I'll be celebrating Wackos birthday!
Oh wellz, hi and bye guys!

Keine Träume

I went down my blogs and noticed I haven't uploaded any dreams lately. This isn't because I haven't been having dreams, this is because they're dissipating to quickly. Or I'm deliberately forgetting them. A lot are just to confusing... Things are getting weird.

Admittedly I have been a bit wound up in my own happy little world, till last night, when I doubted myself enough to let the bad back in. Clearly if I want to keep my happy little world I need to trust myself AND my friends enough not to doubt, because a little bit of doubt is to much doubt.

Is it meant to be this hard, or am I just tricky?

Deja You.

Ok so I'm a total utter softy sometimes, and I love the chances for hugs and cuddles.

But I'm indecisive to if I like this.

Actually stuff that I DO like this, it's brilliant. But when I look at where it could go, I see the same dark deceivingly dingy path that I've been down so many times. And I wont Lie, That scares me.  I don't wanna go back! I'm close to tears thinking about the pain and sorrow That've been caused by that simle step in the wrong direction. I wonder if I'll be able to stop it this time. I mainly just wish I could think of something else. Because this is going to torture me I figure it out..

Ah casually Freaking out on your Hawkey, trying to deny something that's obviously true. We make our own destiny, out own fate, I WILL MAKE THIS GO MY WAY!  I can I know I can. and I will.

Eye of the Storm
Circling above
Logics reform
Unforgivingly tough.

Hopeless Dragon

Yes Ladybugs and Gentlebeans, I finally finished my second tribal piece, Dedicated to Madam Dwagon and Hopeless.

Now to do the tree.

Hug withdrawal

Woke up this morning with the frantic urge to go back into my dream. Can't remember what the dream way but hey-ho.
Since then I've made a new MineCraft server, Played enough with Wacko for him to get bored, Uhmm Edited the map a bit for all out situations, and painted a bit more of my current project.

 I'm so incredibley sleepy.... May have to see if I can last another night...

Art galleries...

Are really dull. But the shops aren't so much...  I got myself a pretty plain tudor style ring and my gran a fridge magnet. Wandered around some van gogh peices but overall it was a dull day. But better than the alternative.

The Hatter and Hopeless

Ah the things that happen in a short space of time... My really really happy state as worked down to a more sustainable positive calm. Much easier to work through the day with and think through. But I didn't post my update did I? Ok ill start at the begining.

I'm a curious kid, to be fair, but I don't do straight, In any form, I always have been the bendy ruler in the pot. I like a mystery. I migrate towards things I don't understand and try to figure them out. To fix the problems I have, I have to know how. I don't like not knowing. I like knowledge, I like filling my head with books and information, facts and figures, profiles of those around me. So when someone new turns up, I like to talk to them and find out what they're like. Now cast your mind back down my list of posts to a double post about the Excaliber shoot. I shot with a young boy called Callum and his dad, and had a bloody brilliant time. Now what I don't remember mentioning (I may have though) was that on one of the targets, I'd shot, and everyone else had gone to get the arrows. I-being me and being lazy- was still sat down by the pegs when someone I'd spotted earlier in the day, came up to where I was. It was a narrowish path and I was sat in the middle of it, so I shuffled towards the edge to let him go by. But he didn't go by, he stopped and started talking to me! Now if you were there, you'd understand why A) this was a slightly strange occurrence, and B) I was probably staring at him. Let me explain.

The first time I'd seen this guy all I could see wat the back of him. Or mainly, the fluorescent jacket he was wearing that picked him out as a marshall and arrow finder, like Grews dad was that day. His jacket, much to a lot of peoples amusement, had "Complaints Department" written on it. However I didn't know what it was, but even from a distance you could see the handle of something sticking out from underneath his jacket, and that it was puckered around equipment on his belt.

Now that he was up close, I could see what was puckering up his jacket. They were knives. And machetes. And (as I found out not long after) the handle I'd seen? He just casually had an axe through his back beltloop. Way to pique my curiosity! When he did pass through and move to the next target I got up and followed the path after him. Don't ask me why cause to this day I don't know, all I do know is I was, and still am, completely and utterly fascinated by him.

I didn't know his name until I asked my dad, and by then I'd dubbed him as Hopeless. I saw him around after that, I know I was looking around deliberately to find him. I didn't get much of a chance to talk to him, I'm normally in my own little world at archery, and with everything else I was trying to keep myself sane, and that meant letting my curiosity burn in the background. But at totem I started talking to him again, and it felt a bit like we'd never stopped. (Oh and next time he needs to try harder on the bear hug, he left me able to breathe last time!)

The stangest part for me was liberty. There was a bit of waiting around so we had a fair time to chat. But we chated like old friends, not people who barely knew each other. It feels like I've known him forever. He makes me grin like crazy, hence what I said at the start.

Oh and I managed to write this on a coach, I'm in london for the day. Art gallerys ftw!>.>

Revelations!

I'm hanging on to the last edges of a dream... or just last night in general...

Revelations!
At least my instincts still work. 
So, I'm either still a sucker ruse, or I can still find people that think like me. But this time... maybe a little closer to home. Until yesterday I didnt realise how much of an absoloute sucker I am for hugs. Meh! I am a self confessed hugaholic. Hehe.

Gah bloodtests. I hate them!! In the waiting room at the moment. Grrrrr... Best go...

Brrr

It's 9:00, a Sunday 4° outside and I'm shooting... Is anyone else thinking fuckimg dumb douche?

Shout or shit?

When I created shout, I made It so 3 people could chat together easily.
Then it grew to adding people in.
Now It's a group that isn't mine, that, I can only moderate. I can't kick from it and I can't add to many to it, despite the fact it was made so I could talk to My FRIENDS. Not have to put up with people I despise.
But I don't know what to do. I need to chat with my right hand admin and see what we can do because truly, Shout's not a group I'm comfortable in anymore. It's like my ExF Playlist. It's got all my favourites in it, but now I don't like a lot of the songs and much prefer my Beated list of just the ones I like.

Need to figure out what to do. Because I'm really considering handing it over To Ry and just going...

But I think that counts as Running...

And I said I wouldn't run away...

Do I Don't I...

THAT'S why I had her un-friended.

I honestly do not want her opnions... Mainly because they're probably right.

So

Do I Run...

Or

Do I Stay?


Can't decide.

O....... Crud!

Tonight is a memorable night.

NOT ONLY is it RyRy's Birthday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER, LOVE YOU!!

NOR is it just CHILDREN IN NEED...

MINECRAFT, LADYS AND GENTLEMEN WAS JUST RELEASED!


1.0.0 is released.

4000 log-ins a second
and no lag.

I'm astonished.

Thanks Mojang and everyone else involved...

We love you!

When the words float of the page, its time to sleep.

The words were literally floating... but that was only after about 700 pages in dim lighting.

I'm hardly suprised.

As much as that particular book is... disagreeing to me, it does calm me down and make me feel a bit better.

But it also brings back the Teddyache.

So I'm still not that keen on it.

I'm tired right now, but after homeworks done tomorrow I'm thinkng somr more HER... maybe I have enough for another chapter.
On a side note I can easily read 1000 pages in a day.

I've read 700 today and that's only in 9 hours, I can do 300 more in the remaining 15. No problem. Could probably do it in 12 with the right book... and few distractions.

Anyway, night!

How do we form attachments?

Well, how do we? I've formed so many, some have become like necessitys to me, yet I don't know how I do it. I find it hard not to see Wacko for a few days, because I'm attached to him. I admire my apocalyptic friends, yet I've only met one of them. I constantly worry and fret over Mikey and Teddy, I've never met them, but I'm still attached. What do we need to form an attachment? Extended periods of exposure? Is it thst we have to like it? To feel comfortable? To trust in its reliability? Or is it just instinct? The human mind automaticly grabbing hold of likeable experiences/things/people and telling you you want them around, need them around? Or just our nature helping us settle into routine? Does anyone really know?

Humans set out to complete our main goal. Our main goal is to survive and thrive, and to continue our line and preserve our species. But to do that first we need to grow up, and even then we can't succeed on our own. To complete life, to complete our goals, every person needs a partener. Every human, to achieve their goal, needs to know compassion, kindness, cruelty, and violence, love and hate. And yes, if we never know cruelty and violence, we would never know what's wrong and what's right. And even with the experience, it's not all that black and white. But on the other hand, if you only know cruelty, violence and hatred, then you would never understand love, compassion and kindness, you would turn out dark and nasty without knowing you were doing anything "wrong".
So could it be that infact we form attachments so we can survive? Because without them, we cannot complete our goal, and out primal instincts go against that? Could it be, that to be... Symbolistic, in a way, we are really only have one heart, because to complete our goal we need to find the other? The one that beats the same rhythm, that's in harmony with us, so we can strive and survive? Two heads are better than one, so is it that two hearts are as well?

If so, that would mean that we form attachments to objects because we associate it with what we are looking for? And that if we get attached to an experience or routine, say the methodical: up, out of bed, clean teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast, walk to school routine, then maybe we are looking for someone that compliments the methodicalness of our actions?

If so... What does that say for me? A girl who is attached to bows, arrows, knives, people she's never met, Teddy bears, wacko boys and Hearts-Of-Gold?

And what about you? What would complement your attachments?

Ponder it!

(Yeah boredoms dangerous!)

Ouch.. Okay...

I'm back to normal. Ish.

Well I'm feeling again. The I-Really-Wish-Teddy-Was-Here feeling is back. But I like that feeling it's almost part of me being alive now. And I realised I missed RyRy, I can't even remember why I was pissed at him. Well I'm yawning and up in 7 hours, So night all!

My dads present

My second birthday present of the year, a handmade arrow head! I have to wait untill Monday or late Sunday for the rest of my presents but I'm guessing most of its cash as I'm hard to buy for.

Blasphemy!

Somethings wrong, but I don't know what.
Its strange... I feel content but I'm alone. I can't feel towards Teddy or miss Wacko, I can't feel annoyance at RyRy or even Wonder about Hawkeye, I can still feel physically, but not emotionally. That sounds ridiculous but its what's happening. Couple of days ago I just... forgot. I got caught up in work and youtube and my world just slipped, not even Teddy at the back of my mind. I still get apprehension though. I read up about herobrine, the mythical MineCraft character that's always right on the edge of short render distances, builds symmetrical pyramids, two block high tunnels, leaving a mark but not approachable, not...within distance. Ok the steve outfit with white eyes does freak me out a bit, I've never liked blank things. But the whole Herobrine story got my slightly scared for one night - I know, I will endure the ribbing- and everything just slipped away! I don't know whether I git a glimmer of normal or if the Herobrine story is so similar to my situation with shout I concentrated on it not people... I don't know. I'm still half in the daze to be fair. I feel like... almost like year 6. I had no friends in year 6, just acquaintances. My guy games were fun, they didn't hurt me and I was content. That's what I am now, content. Cold, aching, mystified and sleepy but content. I don't even want to talk to Teddy, that sounds rude but I don't. I'm curious to if he's still in one peice... But the part of me that knows there's nothing to say, that knows he won't respond because he's busy or I'm bugging him, has won. The part of me that always wants to be alone and stand tall, without help, has won. Good or bad? You decide. Only time will tell I spose.

Don't want my birthday to come. Now that does hurt. The promises that were gonna happen... It kills. I hate it... it makes me want to run and hide, go die in a corner. Id sooner fight Teddy in hand to hand combat than face Monday but I can't stop it, days come and go I've just gotta get through it. "Its just an ordinary day, its all your state of mind" comes to my head.

Ok so I just took a break there. Spoke to my friends breifly... Made sure Teddy is in one peice, talked to Ry a bit, showed Wacko the official MineCon trailer... Nothings changed. I keep hearing Tiger call my name though, when I shut my eyes. It sounds so real... I think I'm going crazy.
To be fair... was I ever really sane?

Considering I just finished Eclipse, I'd say I'm mental.

Yo Homie

Today I got marked. You can't see this mark, but its there. I can feel it. It takes someone special, someone amazingly talented and strong and So SO influential to mark me like this. This person probably will never know that through thick and thin and his highs and lows, I will have his back. That like thousands of other people he's touched me. It takes amazing courage and mind over matter to talk to people like he does, to make something seen and directed to thousands feel personal to the person watching it. And it will probably sound ridiculous to the people that haven't yet discovered him, but today I discovered SlyFoxHound and homie, I'm sure glad I did.

Lets get physical?

I get this feeling sometimes... Like musics turned physical. 5FDP - Bad Company feels like its physically hacking at my heart. Shinedown - Call Me will choke me. The Offspring - You're Gonna Go Far kid will pick me up. There's a couple of songs that affect me so bad in the past if shouted in pain.

Hey don't look at me like that.
I'm legally insane.
Its my right.

This was gonna be facebook, but meh.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Water
2. Last phone call: Theo le merpio
3. Last text message: Puppy, brother of Raven
4. Last song you listened to: It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll, ACDC

HAVE YOU EVER:
5. Been cheated on: Many a time.
6. Kissed someone: Yes, recently...
7. Lost someone special: Yes, no matter the definition of Lost
8. Been depressed: Probably.
 
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
9. Red
10. Green
11. Black? Or purple, if blacks a shade
 
LAST YEAR DID YOU:(2010)
12. Made a new friend: Plenty.
13. Fallen out of love: Indeed.
14. Laughed until you cried: Oh yes, I am an archer, ye know.
15. Found out something new: Yes, love and lust are easily mistakeable.
16. Found out someone was talking about you: Oh they do that anyway....
17. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Da, Da.
18. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: I think its 2/3 that I've met, 1/3 that id love to.
19. How many kids do you want to have: At the moment, none.
20. Do you have any pets: Ja, einen ratte
21. Do you want to change your name: Nien.
22. What did you do for your last birthday: Went out with 2 friends I promptly lost...
23. What time did you wake up today: eh, 8:00?
24. What were you doing at midnight last night: Either plating cards or sleeping.
25. Name something you cannot wait for: There's so many things! Next week, my books, SH2...
26. Last time you saw your Mother: 5mins ago?
27. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: My habbits and willpower.
28. What are you listening to right now: The Jack, ACDC
29. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Oh yes, a tomcat infact, and wish I did more often.
30. What's getting on your nerves right now: The fact that I'm sick and my arm kees going dead... and that I'm so indecisive.
31. Most visited webpage: Twitter and deviantArt
32. What's your real name: You mean you don't know it?
33. Nicknames: Ducky! Trouble, Rixy, His Keeper, a fair few mote aswell...
34. Relationship Status: Taken, but not to who everyone thinks.
36. Middle School: Alton Park
37. High school: CCSAC
38. Hair color: Dirty Blonde
39. Long or short: Long
40. Height: Too tall apparently
41. Do you have a crush on someone?: Depends on te day
42: What do you like about yourself?: My many talents and abilitys...
43. Piercings: Ears
44. Tattoos: None as yet, but I know what I'm getting...
45. Righty or lefty: Righty Tighty
 
FIRSTS :
46. First surgery: Adenoid removal..
47. First piercing: Ears
48. First best friend: Conor, forever
49. First sport you joined: Oh lord, Footy, soccer, the wimpy english sport.
50. First vacation: dunno...
51. First love: Person? Billy, I cared for that kid.
 
RIGHT NOW :
52. Eating: Nout
53. Drinking: Nyet
54. I'm about to: Yawn
55. Listening to: T.N.T/can I sit next to you girl ACDC
56. Waiting on: Sleep
 
YOUR FUTURE
57. Want kids?: Nah.
58. Get Married?: Nope, I don't like beimg contained
59. Career?: Not sure...
 
WHICH IS BETTER :
60. Lips or eyes: Eyes
61. Hugs or kisses: Hugs fix everything but I like a kiss...
62. Shorter or taller: Taller
63. Older or Younger: Older, they match my mental age..
64. Romantic or spontaneous: Torn...
65. Nice stomach or nice arms: Looks aren't important
66. Sensitive.? Aslong as they can take a ribbing...
67. Hook-up or relationship: Relo if it works
68. Trouble maker or hesitant: TROUBLE
 
HAVE YOU EVER :
69. Kissed a stranger: Define stranger...
70. Drank hard liquor: Alcohol, I'm against it.
71. Lost glasses/contacts: Glasses
72. Sex on first date: Nien...
73. Broken someone's heart: Yup...
74. Been arrested: Not yet
75. Turned someone down: yup
76. Cried when someone died: Da. Oui. Ja. R.I.P Declan
77. Fallen for a friend?: all the bloody time
 
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
78. Yourself: Depends on the day
79. Miracles: Nope
80. Love at first sight: Yes
80. Heaven: I'm living it... sorta
90. Santa Claus: YES! I shoot with him... :')
91. Kiss on the first date: Hmm... Maybe
92. Angels: Only fallen ones
 
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time?: Ya... *not ashamed *
94. Did you sing today?: Yup
95. Ever given your heart to somebody and have been rejected?: nope not really
96. If you could go back in time: Id make that kiss longer more passionate and sweeter, I never thought it'd be my last.
97. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: 6 May, Wackos B'Day
98. Are you afraid of falling in love?: Nyet, nope.
99. whats your star sign?: Scopio
100. Do you miss your exes?: Da. Ya I do, but tbf, I miss my Teddy Bear more...

Sterotypes and judges.

I keep trying to excuse myself feom the stereotypical path set out for girls. But the truth is I follow the same path, whether I like it or not.

No, I don't wear make up, but I do keep basic hygiene and look after my figure.

No, I don't look up to a particular brilliant celebrity as a role model, but I do seek guidence from people I consider brilliant, and subconsciously learn and copy them.

No, I may not wear dresses, skirts or anything that shows my legs, but I do wear female clothing, skinny jeans, girls camo. (My only shorts are actually designed as a guys garment.)

I don't show my legs because like many girls I'm insecure about my body, but instead of wearing clothes that make it appear otherwise I make up for it by wearing longsleeve tops and jeans, heavy boots and hoodys that cover most my face and hair.

I'm not as snappy and full of attitude as some girls, but believe me I've a sharp tounge when its needed.

I don't deliberately go seeking attention like some, but I know I go about to get it despite the fact I'd rather be unnoticed at the back of the room, and yet I still attract it by being the teachers pet and the "perfect" student.

I'm not as loud in public about relationships and I certainly would display it like some do, but I do take interests and I do notice good looking people, but I aim for personality not looks as much.

I don't openly rebel, but in a school where most kids have sloppy uniform and break the rules, am I rebelling by obeying code of conduct?

My mates go for Black Veiled Brides, Slipknot and Avenged Sevenfold(Rock) and I go for Lynyrd Skynyrd, Queen and Status Quo. Just an older generation of their choices.

So am I different? Am I really as of the path as I think? No, to be truthful I'm not. But there's a fair few differences.

American, Israeli, Scottish, German, Greek, French, Austraian, Tanzanian and Canadian, and that's just some of the nationality sandwich of my friends.

23, 20, 18, 14, 7, 34, 40 and over 50, my friends aren't restricted by age, either.

But don't judge me by my friends alone, talk to me and you'll soon gather a clear impression.
I can be wise beyond my years or sillier than a 4 year old, I can be modest or I can blow my own horn. I can tell the honest truth or lie my arse off and you probably wont know the difference.
I can go from one alias to another in seconds, and I will earn my rank in anyway I see open to me, or maybe carve a door of my own.

I can try and fake it, I can seem bold and brave, reckless and dangerous, but the truth is something different.

The truth is I'm just an insecure, weak-willed, easily led 13 year old girl, who's had a little more heartbreak and life experience than some my age, but I've had some excellent advice too. You know what? I'm nothing special, but I'm gonna leave my mark on this world and I'm going to make sure people remember I was here, because truely? I want to make a difference. Help the bigger picture. If even just touch one life for the better then all this struggle is worth it.

ASTA LA VISTA, BABY, I'LL BE BACK. 

I should probably write. I haven't been able to for a couple of days now. A lot of people are rejecting me, or it feels like they are. They're acting like they know me, know what I really am, but when I tell them the truth of what I am they deny it. They give me the mumbo jumbo shit back, telling me what I already know they're gonna say. If it came from a guy I'd accept it, but I think I must be sexist because when it comes from a girl I can't. I don't like being round girls, They just remind me of my mistakes. They remind me of my sick first kiss, of what I've done that if I told no one would believe me about.
Mikey, I'm pretty sure, hasn't forgiven me. He doesn't trust me, and that hurts because, somehow, one person in Israel has touched my life with so much force it's made me change the way I live. Yeah that sounds stupid and unbelievable, just the delusional murmurings of a 13 yr old, but he has changed me. And I wish I hadn't betrayed him, and I wish I could earn back his trust, but I don't see my Mister Heart-Of-Gold much anymore. I wish, though, that I'd never found out what he said to my friend behind my back. I really hope that he doesn't truly believe that I have no future, because I've never proved him wrong before, but if he believes that then Sorry Mikey, but I'm about to start.

Right, I better get dressed so I can go destroy some pumpkins in my new hat. I hope it doesn't get sticky.

Burning bridges never made me cry.

Goodbye, Grew.

Last night was AWESOME!

Oh my god, Last night was awesome beyond compare. It's gonna be a day I look back at and smile. We got the ENTIRE shout chat on skype. literally, EVERYONE. RyRy, Wacko, Grew, Angel, Theo/merp, and even Teddy joined. Teddy decided to show why he got his original nickname - Hypa boi - RyRy was laughing and scaring us with troll sites, wacko was being... uh... Wacko, Grew was sitting there giggling, Merp was Derping, and for the most part angel was quiet in awe at Teddy accent which is, apparently, bloody brilliant. Ry and Teddy got into a light hearted insult fight, which is one of the funniest things I've seen, specially when I know both  (I was gonna say guys but they're not) Boys are laughing about it. Ry was Drunk, Teddy was hyper and me and Angel barely stopped giggling all night.

I love these guys! I will upload a bit of proof why later.

To disturbing

Last nights dream was so disturbing I can't write it up. It was just Sick beyond belief... The character in it, the main "antagonist" has no name, but a remarkably familiar face, I can't place it though. He'd been watching me, and kept all videos and pictures stored on an iphone, and Iphone filled with my life. So I stole the SD card (Not that they have SD cards I think I actually called it a 3F card..) And well he was a bit sick in getting it back. It felt so familiar, it came from a part of my life I want to leave behind but can't. It reflected on my means of  getting out of tricky situations. Imagine you're in a room with a locked iron door and no key. Most would try to pick the lock or call for help. Me? I mine out using the pick axe I was hiding up my sleeve. I back myself up where ever I tread and always have safety lines attached. In my dream, that was his safety line, so I stole it and made it my own. Moral of the story? I'm not as clever  as I think. But neither was he, as I gave him back a blank 3F card cause I copied it all to my pc. :3I kinda hate how bad theese dreams are getting, and worse- that they're dreams, not nightmares..

EDIT: Identified the mystery guy. Name's Lucifer, I made him up for a few stories. Exactly how I'd thought of him, is how he appeared in the dream. Nice to put a name to a face.

Dreams thoughts and I hate evenings.

Every night. Just like it was before, I get like this. I'm not thinkin negative, I'm thinking truthfully, he was never my guy. I never had a claim to him, he is just my brother. In 3 months he's gone from the sandbox for good, which means he'll be gone from me, as well. He's not on often at home, so I won't see him. I can walk away, but it would still be painful, I think differently but the attraction is still there. Grew says I shouldn't run, he asked me not to, but I'm losing him and the weight is forcing me down, a constant load on my brow and shoulders. I wish he'd read this, but he doesn't. I write this for the 2 most influential guys in my life, heart-of-gold and Teddy, but neither read it. Instead, hawk, grew and occasionally others read through and learn about me. I don't think of them when I write, if I did nothing would be posted. I just write. And I don't care who sees, because its just thoughts, and dreams, nightmares and longings. My innermost desires and fantasys are still locked up inside. None of them are dirty, none are sexual, they're just private, and will be revealed in time. And if you're an authority figure reading this, shame on you for reading it, and good luck getting me to talk.

Tigers partys and rock 'n' roll (D)

Ok I'm rapidly falling asleep but I need to type up my dream so I've got some JA in my ears so I can type.
Ok it started on a school trip/holiday. We were on this big ship, im pretty sure it was a holiday cruiser, the cream and titanium walls sloped outwards on both sides and a plush carpet ran down the corridor. We were all assigned rooms, the Grew family together in the first door RM in the next, then AN, and so on. Me and Tiger were right down the end in theese plush suites, his had a double be and a single, mine had a double bed with a massive tv screen in covering one wall and a five screened computer againts the other. Tigers room had a door that came out under the stairs that went up to th dance floor. That evening we all went up and got smashed, or as the American phrases it, obliterated. Well everyone bar me and callum, who sat at the back in a booth watching and chatting, sipping our drinks calmly. Until Grew came over and pulled me up that is, jamming lucozade into one hand and dragging me we other. I stopped switched hands and grabbed Tiger with me. In my head I can see his grin and hear his laugh, they capture my attention everythine I hear them. Anyway, so we danced, drunk and had a generally had a good time, but me and Tiger came back only half drunk, still stumbling but still sane through the drink. I couldn't find the cardkey to my door, nor could I be asked to look for it, so I said stuff it il bunk in his room. He was drunk enough to say yes and pointed me towards the single bed while he took of his top and dived into the double. When I knew he was looking away I got undressed and slipped into the single. But I couldn't get warm. The sheets were silky smooth and I can only sleep in rougher ones, I just couldn't warm up. Tiger seemed to know this cause he sat up and whispered across the room, saying I could share with him if I was cold. Gratefully I accepted, tiptoeing across the floor and slipping in behind him. Immediately I felt warmer, heat just seemed to radiate from him. Tentivley I put my fingers and then my palms on his back. He shivered but didn't object so I slid them round him an moved closer, hugging him backwards like I do Teddy Bears. The next bit really was just black, the only thing I could see were my hands on his chest. But I knew what was happening. He'd turned over and was facing me, I could feel his breath and his eyes looking at mine. I know what happened, but I choke when I try to put into words. You can probably take rhe line of thought and guess anyway. I just remember him saying... "We can do more after the check ups" or something like that. Anyway, dawn arrived and we got dressed but we kept moving closer to each other than normal. Grew picked up on it, giving me obvious looks of "there's something going on between You two" RM picked up on it, winking when he passed me in The coridoor and sendinf a wolf whistle over his shoulder, and TV kept gis distance and seemed to sulk like a child, which knowing him, isn't that unlikely. Day went past and I got back in my room, which me and Grew promptly crashed in and covered the floor with sweet wrappers and lollipop sticks. This time everyone headed off, I went to bed, and then in the middle of the night something felt, well, wrong. I had this sick feeling, so I got up and slipped on what I call basic blacks, plain black longsleave top and black velvet trousers and socks, a simple outfit I wear for moving around at home, grabbed my keycard and slipped over to Tigers room. He grunted at the light and I quickly shut the door, slipping over and crouching down by his bedside, looking at him. His face was scrunched up as if in agony, his brow carried the heavy weight if panic and he made whimpering sounds. A nightmare, perhaps? I caressed his cheek and tried to sooth him, getting more and more worried by the minute. His forehead was burning and he was coated in a cold sweat. I was going on instict, soothing him like a mother does her child. He seened ro settle a bit so I kissed him gently on the forehead. With a start he woke up, crying out and pushing me away. I grabbed his hands and shhed him, it was only me don't worry. I flicked on a light and he relaxed, sighing like a heavy weight ha been lifted from his shoulders. He shivered and burried himself under the bedclothes. I got up and clicked a switch to setting three and retrieved a cold flannel and a glass of water from the kitchen and brought them through. He drank greedily and I put the flannel on his forehead, setting three warming up the electric blanket underneath. Eventually he nodded off and I stayed sat at the corner of his bed for the rest of the night. The next day I slept curled up in a chair in the corner of his room as he recovered. and that's how it went, a cycle of party, bed, ill, and recover for every guy I cared for. Tiger, AN, RM and TB, with Hawkeye helping me at every turn.

Some people would say its weird I dream of people I don't know, friends I've never met, but the truth is I know them just aa well as there closest friends, if not better. And I wouldnt have it any other way. I may be the lamest of lame friends but I have the best I could ask for, and who are you to take that away? :)

Forgetful much...

I wish I could tell you why I run, but you'd laugh. You joke but you don't realise the words are exactly how I feel, and that your destroying my feelings when you laugh at them. You don't realise that I go both ways and your someone that shows this up like a beacon. You forget that I feel for girls as well as my guy y'know, you forget that you fit the bill. You just forget andnt admit...

Subline

Taken from a book,
Between the lines,
Thrown to the stars,
Oh how they shine
It shapes our lives,
Completely mine,
And will do,
'Till our demise.

HONOR

Honor, More important than the rest.

Oh my Wacko, Our Aiden...

I remember the times you heard me cry,
and listened in disdain,
But over and over, day by day,
You still come back again.

You tell me I'll get through it,
You're the one that I believe,
The one that keeps it straight and plain,
When my tears come three by three,

You're never very mean,
And you try to keep it clean,
But around your friends and brothers too,
It's amazing you're still you!

Oh we love you loads and loads,
And don't you ever forget,
In times of deep peril,
You will always have our debt.

Oh my brother, My friend,
Talented beyond compare,
How we love you so and forever,
I hope we will get to stay together.

Plans, Experiments and storys

Righty-ho!
Drawing up some tech plans for minecraft, turning out to be tricky but hey ho, it's fun though I have to do lot of research to find out what I wanna find out so my haunted mansion isn't gonna be done just yet. Kinda wish SOMEONE hadn't got me into it! I was doing well! Either way if you wanna lend a hand I'll send you over the server and you can help me out.

Last time I posted I posted about 4 stones in a dream I had, well now I'm trying to make them. I'm just doing experiments at the moment, but it's promising and I think do-able. I stared with blue and if I can get that then I'll do orange and so on.

Storys! weyhey, I've done a bit to them this week, but it's hard to keep them going with everything going on. Going from Dream to Hell to Dream takes it's toll, 'specially when I forget to switch my head back into school mode and daydream half a lesson, then can't do the work.
Risky work being the renegade at the back of the class, I just wish I wasn't so damn attached. To many people it would hurt to leave behind. Gotta lose the baggage I've got hanging around, so if you see yourself disappearing, or you wake up and I'm gone, tough luck.

Ouch, I've an evil head.

Weirdly wonderful dream.

Starting with a car boot (or jumble) sale at my school. Most of the stores had the normal junk, books computer games ect. I took a short cut from the front of the school to the back through the P.E corridor. I got half way through the crowd and turned back - I couldn't be arsed. As I headed back out a stool near the doors leading onto the playground A little stall caught my attention. It had shiny stones scattered on the table, green, red, blue, orange, pink, loads of colours. Four stood out to me. They were richly coloured stones/crystals on white elastic that just seemed attached, there was no holes or glue, the stones were unmarred. Each stone had a symbol on the bottom of the front side. There was a sign saying no payment needed, so I swiped them up and went outside. I put them all on, and looked around. I silently wished I was on the other side of the P.E block, so I could see the rest of the stalls. The next thing I know, I'm leaning against the steel fence around the astro turf - On the Other side of the P.E block, Right where I wanted to be! I look down to in time to catch a whisp of glowing purple sparks wrap around the stones and fade out of existence. Nobody seemed to notice anything, so I try to think of somewhere else to go. I decide on the roof. Poof! (Well more like purple sparks) and I'm there. I took of the amulets and sat down on the roof, far enough away from the edge that no one could accidentally look up and spot me. I picked up the deep orange one and held it flat in my palm wondering slightly if it could do anything on its own. as if it heard me, a lick of burning flame swirled above it. I nearly dropped the stone in surprise, But when it didn't harm me I just silently wished it away. I picked up the browny one. It resembled Tigers Eye stone, and when I wondered what it could do, a single vine sprouted from the front, curling and twisting its way up to my eye level, where it curled towards me slightly, an action that was almost a bow, at which it uncurled rapidly, receding back into the stone. My shaking fingers replaced it on the tarmac texture roof. I held the blue stone in one hand, the cleary grey in the other and asked them silently to show me what they could do. I added a hurried separately to the thought as a mini hurricane of wind formed in one hand and a spiral of glistening, shining, twirling crystal water appeared in the other. I laughed out of disbelief and thanked them away. Something told me thanks were owed. I played around for a while and started using different thoughts - I wish I was with Sammy - I wonder what the school looks like from above - I could really use a drink of water, I wish I had one. Poof, Poof, Poof! But as the saying goes, Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.


I wish I could see HIM, I wish I could surprise HIM.


Wrong Wish.
Truly, I have a cruel, twisted imagination.
Wishing to be with him when where he is is night time, and your not on his mind, and his hands definitely aren't on you?
Cheater.
When the last thing on his mind is the young girl he's leading on in his spare time? When he's concentrating more on the girl underneath him?
Liar.
The feeling when you wake up and realise it's probably true? 
Horrifying.
The feeling that you still have to face him? That you can't let him go?
Painful.
When you realise that this is just him?
Strangely reassuring. 

An old story

Well I was rummaging through old files and uploads on my google docs account and low and behold  I find an old story... I can't remember why  I wrote it, but it's one of many criss-crossing pieces of work, as all of them connect... just not that obviously yet. Anyway, For your entertainment here it is.

Friday 13th September 5.00 pm.

“Ohh, come on!” Sighed Lucifer. ”It’s just dark! There is no such thing as ghosts...”

“I didn’t say anything about ghosts, Lu. I just said that old Anny McCormick died in there and by ‘investigating’ we are being intrusive don’t ya think?” argued Daniel.

“C’mon if we investigate here now, we’re going to be the most popular guys in the 6th form. Besides it can’t be that ba-“  He never finished. The gloomy forest parted to reveal a tall spooky tower sheltering the cracked and broken manor house below. The windows were boarded up hiding the mysterious insides. Along the walls, shadows fell into deeper crevices that once held statues and the bricks crumbled under pressure and the front door was rotting away and had become a house in itself for woodlice.  As the boys approached the wildlife seemed to silence in shocked anticipation of the events that were about to unfold.  They pushed open the door and were greeted by a terrible smell wafting down from upstairs. As they stepped inside the smell got stronger and stronger.  “What is that?” whispered Lu, disgusted. Dan didn’t answer; instead he pulled off one of the crumpled, once white sheets, to reveal a piano. “I recognise this,” he mumbled.

“Huh?” replied Lu, only half listening.

“Nothing...” Wavered Dan as he tugged away another dusty sheet. For a while silence fell like a blanket over the house, only being disrupted as the boys dragged off the sheets that covered all remaining furniture in the house. Gradually Dan became aware of another noise. At first he thought it was Lu shifting around but he soon noticed that Lu was making a different noise entirely, as he was trying to peel the carpet up so he could check for hidden safes and trap doors underneath. Suddenly the sound became louder and Dan started to worry. Eventually he broke the silence, “Lu can you hear that? It sounds like walking.” In response Lu tipped his head and listened.

“Yeah, It sounds like its –“

“-Above us.”finished Dan. Suddenly, as if the mysterious presence upstairs knew that it had been identified the noise quickened and long since rotted away floor boards on the stairs started to creak. The boys looked at each other in desperation and hastily hid in a half collapsed pantry cupboard, listening in scared anticipation. The footsteps crept along the floorboards heading straight towards the cupboard where they stopped and seemed to examine the door with snuffling breaths. After what seemed like an age the footsteps seemed satisfied and returned to the constant pacing upstairs. Carefully the boys opened the door and after summoning all the courage they could, bolted for the front door. They leaped over the white sheets and weaved in and out off the ancient furniture, hearts racing. Lu was out front in seconds and only when he reached the borderline of the woods did he notice the lack off footsteps behind him. He glanced around but didn’t stop running. No one was in sight. Where was Dan? he wondered. Suddenly an ear splitting scream cracked the silence like a hammer to an egg. But still Lu’s step didn’t falter. There was no way in hell he was going back there - not even for his best friend.

The next day Daniel Jeanne was reported officially missing. His parents publicly announced this and begged for any information of his whereabouts.

Three months later the police got an anonymous tip that he was seen on the 14 September looking out of the upper floor manor house window in the middle of the woods. When this information was received the police immediately initiated a siege on the house which was backed up by SWAT teams. During the search they found Dans body lying in the attic off the manor decapitated with his wrist chained to the floor. The time of death was accurately pinpointed at 3.00pm on the 13 September that same year.

But that can’t be can it? Go on, look at the the date it started. Look at the time. How can I be sure that's what happened? I hear you ask. Trust me I know. OK,  say I humor you, how can the medical examiner be so sure? I hear you think. Trust me he was right.

Signed

Daniel Jeanne

  Trainee Medical Examiner

Oh for the love of drunk archers...

Cider/Alcohol + Archers = really REALLY REALLY Hilarious conversations... Just.. Wow So much, so fast. Books, Niel Gaiman, Terry Pratchet, The movie Cars, Hunter arrow points, Youtube Videos, Exploding pumpkins, bonfires, rankfurters, marshmallows, fields, scrubland, marshland, dead elderly people, curatins, dust sheets, nets, White fairys, White FRIARS, Beliebers, zits.. and SO MUCH MORE! And that was BEFORE the alcohol... I barely survived...

Can't wait for the next time!

Hawkeye

Like a hawk I'm soring above you,
Preparing to dive and capture my prey
Oh what a view what a view
Are you prepared to die, today?

My talons are sharp,
I'm locked on to you,
Would you like to see that wonderful view?
Dropped from a height,
You hit the ground,
I bid you good night,
For this go round.

We'll meet again,
Of that I'm sure,
Resurrected the same,
To settle the score.

Hello Me!

Got into a conversation with Hawk about, what would you do, if you could meet yourself? If you passed yourself in the street, would you recognised yourself? Would you make conversation? Slap yourself? Ignore yourself? Start a  fight? I know what I'd do... But is it logical?

Riddle me this..

Heart says yes,
Head says no,
Which way on earth,
Do I go?

Awah

Starting your day to "how're you beautiful" from a lovely guy is brilliant. :') sooo glad I am!

/Does little happy dance

Yay! :3 Another Gold medal to add to my growing collection..! Dull.

Been writing...

...A new part of HIM. Well, It's HER at the moment, I'm writing from the opposite PoV.
Now.
I is Girl.
PoV is Guy.
Is writing easy?
Not in the slightest.
I'd be fine if I wasn't basing the male Char around TB. He who I can't understand at the best of times, and He who is not even here for me to bounce ideas off of!

WRITING Y U SO HARD?


Oh well, I'll get it done.

Fly-By

Something was torn today,
or maybe it was ripped away,
All I said was goodbye,
Now the days don't fly by...

Empty Echoes inside,
Remarks no longer snide,
All I said was goodbye,
Now the days wont fly by...

Memories of mine,
Lost in time,
All I said was goodbye,
Now the days shan't fly by..

Now my greatest friend is gone,
And I simply cannot just move on,
All I said was goodbye,
Now the days can't fly by..

WARNING, SENTIMENTALITY!

I've always disliked watching people split up. Whether its a couple arguing and splitting for the sake of kids, or teen love with the wandering eyes and uncertain hearts, or friendships built on trust that crack under suspicion and lies. My parents live apart, but that doesn't get to me. What does are the other types. When I was in year 5 there were a pair of girls that were inseperable at the start of the year, and for many years before that, but by the time we were in year 6, their friendship was ashes in the wind, and to this day almost 3 years on I've never seen them speak to each other. This has happened for me aswell. A while ago I made a friend, purely on the basis of boredom, and decided to "teach" them gibberish. I used to love talking to him, he was amazingly funny, and put up with me for ages. We lost touch, for oh only a year or so, but coming back this while later, I can tell you he mastered gibberish and went on to random and cockiness aswell. Now I can't stand him, he's been an arrogant prat, and as much as the girl who loves him has been an utter bitch, he has no right to hurt her like he does. I wish I'd never me him.

Then there's the other type. The young love, with the dependancy, need and uncertainty. I've recently watched this happen as well. They were a brilliant couple, and when I first saw them together they were, (in a phrase I don't use lightly) perfect for each other. But people change. Every second inside, we think, we breath, parts of us die and parts live on, that's what life does, it evolves. That's what happened to them. He used to depend on her, I spoke to him on days he hadn't seen her, and I saw the difference in him. But gradually the change became less an less. Now he could go a few days before getting, in a way, withdrawal symptoms (as I've no other way to put it at half one in The morning only semi awake). She to didn't like going without seeing him, they both fretted about the same things without telling each other, I know because on the days they both spoke to me, the storys matched up, the worrys the same. Gradually though the change passed, he became bolder and more confident around her, she more likey to disagree with what he was saying. A couple of weeks ago people started to notice that it was going down hill, but a respectful silence stayed for the most part, I think most of us had faith that they'd hold it together. Then Saturday I texted him and got the reply that he'd ended it, indeed, for the better. He was by all means fine, he got home and ended up laughing and joking with me for the evening which was good to hear. She was worse off, but seeing them both yesterday, wednesday, its obvious they're back in agreement with each other over the important facts, her telling aforementioned bitch to just leave him alone, he did the right thing. And he did, but its still hurt inside me, just a random bystander, to watch such a loving relationship degrade. If your in my circle of friends by now you can probably guess who I'm on about by now, and I've no doubt that they'll read this, and god knows what they'll say, Devils and Angels are so hard to predict. But what I really want to say is this:
If I've loved you, if I've been your friend or helped you out, if I've been nice to you and I've respected you, even if I don't appear to anymore, even if we left on a sour note or are reading this in the future, months after I've typed it, Thank You. You've touched my life and, no matter how, it was a pleasure knowing you. You've shaped my life to what it is today, and where I'm at today is a good place to be. And I put this call out to those from my old clans aswell, Kingdom Of Loyalty, Army Of Fury, and my current, Monks Of Guthix, thank you all. Even the ones I've sworn at, even those that walked away, Water, Air, Fire and Blood, you've changed me, you've helped me, and I'm better off for you.


But most of all thank you to the ones that stayed. Wacko, RyRy, Mikey, David, brilliant guys who all have a permanent place in my heart, thank you. Georgieyy, Madds and even Kirsty, thank you girls, you've helped me see a lot.

And last of all, Brian. Teddy you've put up with me, corrected me and corrupted me, you've made me laugh and made me cry, you've been perfect and you've been amazingly weird, but that's who you are and it won't change. Thank you. I'd be worse off if it wasn't for you, you of all people know how weak willed I can be.

LOVE YOU ALL NUTTERS.

Love you all.

Phoenix

For TB, 'Cause he's a daft twit.

With a hidden meaning for a familiar Heart-Of-Gold guy... :D

Sorrayyy

Sorry about the last 2 posts, they were experiments.

My whole world of denial has been thrown about since my last proper post. I've also come down with a horrid bug, started a third picture for TB, And I've restarted on my Glance story, which seems to be rescue-able. But seriously, it's kind of easy to freak me out, however what has happened  I love, as much as I hate it.

Circuit

Playing around in science at school, bloggerworks!

Wooo Happy Morning :D

Mikey is alive! Wooooo :D
Just a really busy guy.
Oh well, I'm just really REALLY REALLY glad he replied.

I can breath easy for a while. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sorry, I'm just really REALLY  REALLY REALLY happy now.


yay :3

Some things have to be said

I'm writing this because some things are meant to be told. Some things aren't. Whether this gets published or not doesn't matter. In my head once a word is written, it doesn't bother me, And I need these words to stop bothering me. Because I need to move on. I need to forget the times we talked, and the times we skyped until late at night, the messages we sent and the times you comforted me when all I could do was cry. I need to forget the look on your face and the crack in your voice when you lost your best friend and the gleam in your eye when we shared the same views. I need to forget the image of you running your hand through your hair when I couldn't decide what colour it was, and you in shirt and shorts leaning on your bent knees as you sat in the dark. I need to forget the times I sat in the corner of my school library and checked my phone for facebook messages, and the feelings I felt when I did and didn't find them. I NEED to forget YOU, and every time you said you loved me. Every time you said my name and called me by the name only we would use. Every time you sent me a love heart just to make me smile, and every time you made me laugh.

I NEED TO FORGET YOU.

But can I?

No. 'Cause you will forever be My Cheeky Cookie, and  I will always remember you, and everything that happened.


I NEED TO MOVE ON.

But can I?

Yeah, but only because if I don't I'll get left behind, I'll be looked down on, and what I fear the most will happen.

I'll be forgotten.

And I don't want that.
Yeah you've forgotten me by now. You've got your girl and well I have TB, or rather he has me. And I don't mind.I just don't want you bothering me. TB said I need to go and I'm going... I just needed to write it.

So I'll write on last thing.

I'm Sorry. I never meant to hurt you, When all you were doing was trying to help. PJ I loved you Cookie, I did. I'm so sorry we ended that way.

My Pocket Litter

Ok so there are plenty of things that I have in my pockets. From pens to phone numbers I don't know the owner of to balls of foil and wads of paper. But three objects come every where with me, and that's because they are little boosters, reminders of my friends.

May not look like much but let me explain.

The Tigers eye stone is always cold and it reminds me off the things that happen if I don't keep my calm, the people that get hurt and what that can do to the people around me. It shines under the light and the sun makes it look like an actual Tigers eye.

The Necklace (skull) is turquoise stone, which in lore is meant to keep away many evils, though In my head it traps evils. It has all the little evils of my Shout! group in it, and always reminds me that they're there, whether they like it or not.

The last object I made. It was my first try at making Runes from RuneScape, and out of the four I tried to make (Cosmic, Law, Blood/Water and Earth) This one came out the best. Most of my friends have a Rune I associate to them, and Earth is Mikey. I keep my rune on me 'cause everything Mikey tells me slips from my mind, but my rune makes me think, makes me remember and gives me a way to get out of every hole I've been stuck in. Like the Element, Mikey is dependable and strong and though I rarely see him these days, his presence lingers in most things I do. I love my rune despite the fact it's rubbish compared to the others I have done.

Paint Snow leopards with the Joker and Ally Carter...? (D)

Last nights dream was just... Wow. Big Snow leopards, a murder mystery mansion and .. The Joker!?!

Well yeah seriously, that is what It involved. Trying to keep the Leopards hidden, to unearth the REAL happenings behind the murder (which involved loads of "Cry Of The Ice Mark" References) and all before The Joker got there With his water blocks (because despite the beleivable HD mod pack it was still just a minecraft mansion, where the Joker has a hacked inventory an I DON'T). Yeah  I really need to stop playing that game.
Where The joker reference came from... Must have been here 'cause it's just really cool tune.
http://www.youtube.com/user/Paint#p/u/1/ExAt1pQ9IwE

Snow Leopards I can Blame AD for, as he leant me those books! And Mystery? Well I know a few people who are mysterys and TBs words yesterday felt like I'd never get out of the labyrinthine madness of him, so yeah as always, I blame Teddy! So yeah. I'd write it up but the mature (and immature) content would be freaky to admit! I have it written up in my notes on George (My netbook. I name things, OK?) so if I decide to upload it I will remember it. I was sorely tempted to upload a dream I have Written down from May/June time, however that's on Maddz (My main computer... Because it has a super pair! Of Screens) And I'm not back there till Sunday and to be honest I want my weekend to last. After such a really draggy week I need a rest. So I'll blog again when I wake up from my hole of Jason Aldean (again.. Dammit TB!) Ally Carters Don't Judge A Girl By Her Cover  Gallagher Academy Series book and the waist high Pile of homework. 


Laters all!

foooooooooooooodddd (ugh)

Can't eattttttttt
however..


The weeping angel you called ugly? She can't even look at herself in the mirror. See that unemotional Cybermen? He used to be one of us. The Oods that you make fun of? They get treated as slaves everyday. The lady that you called crazy? She knows all of time and space. See the weird man with the bowtie and the fez? He's the loneliest man in the universe. Reblog this if you're against bullying in the Time-Space Continuum..

Yesterdays food (and (D))

Was brilliant! McDonalds breakfast, 2 cheese and onion pasty + 3 dohnuts for lunch, another dohnut for supper and a whole bottle of TESCOS Active Sports Drink. Like lucozade but better and cheaper.

The dream was beyond weird. I was a princess and it was a ceremony at a weird temporary shack. I went off to find some off the royal Housecarles (My wording, I blame AD for giving me the icemark chronicles to read) and I bumped into A weird version of PJ/John (the gay one from TORCHWOOD see kiss kiss bang bang episode :3) who was dressed in basicly a black velvet sheet (I got the image from my pocket quiver, it hangs weird) Who basicly too me hostage until "Jack"(Ok, Ok, It was TB, but so much cuter and very gay/strong/ idolish)  got there, Who lo and behold was never gonna put up with PJ (to be honest thank god the dream went that way, the other way is scary) and banished him, which made me run away and colapse, and wake up in the medical tent with Jack/TB and the housecarles surrounding me with very worried looks, to which I just sat up and shouted BOO! which scared them crapless. Glad to seem e alive we all went back to the ceremony me on the shoulders of two of the housecarles and than I think I woke up...

Burn

From the dead grows new,
Reminders of what those once knew,
From the ashes raise a fire,
One that can burn so much brighter...

Than the memories that laid the path
Than the life that fell away,
Than the chaos of the aftermath,
Than the courage of those so brave

Whispers on the wind,
Of what that has been,
A glimmer in the dark
That can cause the greatest spark...

For the memories that laid the path
For the life that fell away,
For the chaos of the aftermath,
For the courage of those so brave...

We see the shine,
From down in the mine,
But only for now good sire,
Cmon people let's build a pyre!

To remember the memories that laid the path
To honour the life that fell away,
To muster chaos of the aftermath,
To add ours to the courage of those so brave

Don't lose faith,
In the world we knew,
Leave our trace,
This world needs you!

Taken

Sadness shiver,
I'm going no where,
Even if it's just a sliver,
Take it - I'm staying here.

I have none left,
You have it all,
A spread out gift,
It's oh so small.

Don't break it,
I'm still healing cracks,
Hard to admit,
Keep it on track.

All yours,
Earned and payed,
Save yours,
I'm never dismayed.

The G (D)

Right.
I'm on the floor. It's shiny laminate, with a wood pattern. I'm young, or meant to be, two or three with a 13 year olds brain full off knowledge. I try to stand - I fall. So I lie back and dart my eyes to a voice. Now In Real Life, this man's MG's dad. He's The G. He's even dressed the same as I last saw him - Blue top, high vis yellow waistcoat, arrow scraper through his belt loop and gardening gloves hanging out his pocket- Same Messy hair same everything. He goes up a ladder into the rafters of this great hall and grabs a small box out of his back pocket and putting just out off view. He comes down and smiles at me, offering his hand to help me walk. I accept, and we wander round the hall.

Now pass forward a few moments.


I'm on the floor. It's shiny laminate, with a wood pattern. I'm dressed in a black collard top, black skinny jeans going down inside my boots (Black, of course, Grey fur lined round the top, tough velvet material to the ankle, then thick rubber toe and soles), Black and silver skull tie and my hair falls in waves round my shoulders, not dyed but dark in the winter months. A shouting voice reminds me that I'm 16, and I shouldn't be on the floor. I flip my legs up and role forward to a crouch so I can stand up. I look around. The G is still around, looking the same as before, sitting in the corner, looking at me with slight concern. The voice came from his daughter, MG who is displaying an "I'm 18!" badge. Memory serves me and I figure its the 24th of April, and I must be 17 not 16. "C'mon." she says. "We need to get this done or we wont be ready. She's talking about the storms. I look over at our climbing frame. Even that's prepared. The swings are detachable canoes and it can collapse to a raft at a moments notice. "We need to clear out the loft," I say, "There are things up there that aren't prepared." I head over to the loft  and start to pull down the ladder when I'm stopped by The G. "No need, I've done it." I continue pulling down the stairs with a grunt.
"Wont mind if I check then will you."

I don't know what happened after.
This was yesterdays, I can't right up today's.

He's right.

I admit it, TB is right. I have been hiding... And I should face the truth. Why do I get the feeling he's gonna make me either way later?

Oh well. First day of Excalibur's two day shoot today. 316, exactly the same as Broadlands last Sunday. Consistant. 84 on the first ten, 84 on the second ten as well. Reynard Eladswort is on Facebook! Best Idea that's happened in a while!
But right no I'm off to watch Doctor Who! WOOOOO

Laters!

Repercussions Of Stupdity

Ok so TB re-appeared yesterday... And now.. I don't know. Big Brother my arse... Yeah I only said that so I didn't look... Stupid... But that didn't matter, did it? I mean this is TB for Christs sake... He doesn't wait around for people to make their minds up, He doesn't care how things LOOK, It's the truth that matters to him. Either that or he just likes hurting me (I doubt that) or maybe he will actually nudge me to a better way of doing things. I've always liked him a lot, but after previous experiences I tried (and failed) to hide it, so I just said I liked him like a big brother. "Of course I care, you're a big bro to me." That worked. Until he met my friends and started doing little things that made me feel jealous. Yes I got jealous over a 20 year old bastard I've never met... Stupid right? I go to TB about everything, unless it's to English for him. So when I said he hurt me? well In his own words:

Yes his actual initials are BB.. TB is his nickname ( Teddy Bear :3 ).

Well crap. Outsmarted by an American Because I haven't stopped being a liar, have I? Yeah, sure I've stopped openly telling lies about other people... But I'm still telling the lies to myself. I say I don't know what's wrong, when I do but I just don't want to admit it. I've been hiding my feelings because I was scared... And
I missed out on something I thought I already had because of it. I know that sounds weird... But this blog was never meant to make sense to others... Just me and others if they could work it out.

So. That was yesterdays mess. However.. That was yesterday, and unless there's another repercussion, it's gone. Thank goodness I have A.N though, that kid cheers me up so easily... We stick together like magnets at will come back together even if you prise us apart...

In other news, I saw Spikes yesterday! He's awesome! Check out Julies Gems, He puts it up, his wife says it. Hilarious if you ask me. No dream that I can remember last night...

If it involves Gorillas... (D)

...It's going to be weird.

Ok so I’m in what looks like an adventure room. You know the massive indoor soft playgrounds? Padded stairs, Pillars, mini walls to climb over... all in a blend of viciously bright Green, Yellow Blue and Red.  I turn around and put my hand against the wall to stop myself falling over, and it pushed in and slid to the side revealing my locker. In it there was a necklace, with three charms. One looked like a light pink jelly bean, one was almost a usb stick, but it was surrounded in rubber. The last was a dog tag, but it didn't have my name on it, it had TB's. I put the necklace on, and grabbed the next thing in the locker. It looked a lot like a green water pistol, But darker than the one below, with a flat end and a port for the usb style charm instead of the bottle for water.

It attached to my wrist so I couldn't drop it, or get it off. The last thing in my locker looked like a form, but it was metal and the options stuck to it like magnets. After reading it through I completed the options and shut my locker. I caught up in the flow off kids and headed off, going with only people I liked around me. They all clattered their  metal forms down and lined up, British flag wearers in one line (So everyone I liked) and everyone I don't like in another. We got led through to one half off the play ground, and the others to the other side. Their side was dark; ours was lit, so we had to hide from view. I hunkered down at the front wall and looked around. Everyone had black and battered versions off my gun, and they all had chambers that as I found out not long after, all shot suckered darts. I caught a glimpse of Tiger out off the corner off my eye and raised my eyebrows at him. He acknowledged me with a nod as the doors slid shut and a Power-Up buzz filled the air.  My gun glowed briefly which got some stares. Not for long, as the other teams battery packs lit up and they started firing. I ducked to avoid a dart and watched it hit someone, who promptly collapsed. I glanced over the wall only to get suckered in my head. But I wasn't affected, the sucker just dropped off, gathering more weird stares. I rested my gun on the wall, and shot over it, aiming for the glowing forehead off the guy who shot at me. Pulling the trigger, released a blast of what looked like electricity, hitting him right between his eyes. This paused game play as everyone was staring at me. Right till LS appeared and screamed, firing a round of darts straight at my chest, to no effect. whooping and cheering, my team upped the game, redoubling the attack on the other time, over 10 darts hitting LS, and many more being fired as I shot down  the rarely ending wave off people. When the last one went down Power-down occurred, but my gun didn't stop glowing. We climbed over the wall and helped our enemy's up. The darts had a way that while they were powered the person hit couldn't move, but as soon as power-down occurred they could as the darts just dissolved. We went out from this one and onto an open field. Power- Up, then it started. Out here, everyone just spread, most protecting a player to keep as their last, so we couldn’t win. But my team had (as they put it) me now, and I could just walk through unaffected. After a few more games a gorrila appeared.. . and I took to shooting anyone... I partnered  up with someone who I think was Dac... Then I woke up...