Every night. Just like it was before, I get like this. I'm not thinkin negative, I'm thinking truthfully, he was never my guy. I never had a claim to him, he is just my brother. In 3 months he's gone from the sandbox for good, which means he'll be gone from me, as well. He's not on often at home, so I won't see him. I can walk away, but it would still be painful, I think differently but the attraction is still there. Grew says I shouldn't run, he asked me not to, but I'm losing him and the weight is forcing me down, a constant load on my brow and shoulders. I wish he'd read this, but he doesn't. I write this for the 2 most influential guys in my life, heart-of-gold and Teddy, but neither read it. Instead, hawk, grew and occasionally others read through and learn about me. I don't think of them when I write, if I did nothing would be posted. I just write. And I don't care who sees, because its just thoughts, and dreams, nightmares and longings. My innermost desires and fantasys are still locked up inside. None of them are dirty, none are sexual, they're just private, and will be revealed in time. And if you're an authority figure reading this, shame on you for reading it, and good luck getting me to talk.
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