My second birthday present of the year, a handmade arrow head! I have to wait untill Monday or late Sunday for the rest of my presents but I'm guessing most of its cash as I'm hard to buy for.
Somethings wrong, but I don't know what.
Its strange... I feel content but I'm alone. I can't feel towards Teddy or miss Wacko, I can't feel annoyance at RyRy or even Wonder about Hawkeye, I can still feel physically, but not emotionally. That sounds ridiculous but its what's happening. Couple of days ago I just... forgot. I got caught up in work and youtube and my world just slipped, not even Teddy at the back of my mind. I still get apprehension though. I read up about herobrine, the mythical MineCraft character that's always right on the edge of short render distances, builds symmetrical pyramids, two block high tunnels, leaving a mark but not approachable, not...within distance. Ok the steve outfit with white eyes does freak me out a bit, I've never liked blank things. But the whole Herobrine story got my slightly scared for one night - I know, I will endure the ribbing- and everything just slipped away! I don't know whether I git a glimmer of normal or if the Herobrine story is so similar to my situation with shout I concentrated on it not people... I don't know. I'm still half in the daze to be fair. I feel like... almost like year 6. I had no friends in year 6, just acquaintances. My guy games were fun, they didn't hurt me and I was content. That's what I am now, content. Cold, aching, mystified and sleepy but content. I don't even want to talk to Teddy, that sounds rude but I don't. I'm curious to if he's still in one peice... But the part of me that knows there's nothing to say, that knows he won't respond because he's busy or I'm bugging him, has won. The part of me that always wants to be alone and stand tall, without help, has won. Good or bad? You decide. Only time will tell I spose.
Don't want my birthday to come. Now that does hurt. The promises that were gonna happen... It kills. I hate it... it makes me want to run and hide, go die in a corner. Id sooner fight Teddy in hand to hand combat than face Monday but I can't stop it, days come and go I've just gotta get through it. "Its just an ordinary day, its all your state of mind" comes to my head.
Ok so I just took a break there. Spoke to my friends breifly... Made sure Teddy is in one peice, talked to Ry a bit, showed Wacko the official MineCon trailer... Nothings changed. I keep hearing Tiger call my name though, when I shut my eyes. It sounds so real... I think I'm going crazy.
To be fair... was I ever really sane?
Considering I just finished Eclipse, I'd say I'm mental.
Today I got marked. You can't see this mark, but its there. I can feel it. It takes someone special, someone amazingly talented and strong and So SO influential to mark me like this. This person probably will never know that through thick and thin and his highs and lows, I will have his back. That like thousands of other people he's touched me. It takes amazing courage and mind over matter to talk to people like he does, to make something seen and directed to thousands feel personal to the person watching it. And it will probably sound ridiculous to the people that haven't yet discovered him, but today I discovered SlyFoxHound and homie, I'm sure glad I did.
I get this feeling sometimes... Like musics turned physical. 5FDP - Bad Company feels like its physically hacking at my heart. Shinedown - Call Me will choke me. The Offspring - You're Gonna Go Far kid will pick me up. There's a couple of songs that affect me so bad in the past if shouted in pain.
Hey don't look at me like that.
I'm legally insane.
Its my right.
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Water
2. Last phone call: Theo le merpio
3. Last text message: Puppy, brother of Raven
4. Last song you listened to: It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll, ACDC
HAVE YOU EVER:
5. Been cheated on: Many a time.
6. Kissed someone: Yes, recently...
7. Lost someone special: Yes, no matter the definition of Lost
8. Been depressed: Probably.
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
9. Red
10. Green
11. Black? Or purple, if blacks a shade
LAST YEAR DID YOU:(2010)
12. Made a new friend: Plenty.
13. Fallen out of love: Indeed.
14. Laughed until you cried: Oh yes, I am an archer, ye know.
15. Found out something new: Yes, love and lust are easily mistakeable.
16. Found out someone was talking about you: Oh they do that anyway....
17. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Da, Da.
18. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: I think its 2/3 that I've met, 1/3 that id love to.
19. How many kids do you want to have: At the moment, none.
20. Do you have any pets: Ja, einen ratte
21. Do you want to change your name: Nien.
22. What did you do for your last birthday: Went out with 2 friends I promptly lost...
23. What time did you wake up today: eh, 8:00?
24. What were you doing at midnight last night: Either plating cards or sleeping.
25. Name something you cannot wait for: There's so many things! Next week, my books, SH2...
26. Last time you saw your Mother: 5mins ago?
27. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: My habbits and willpower.
28. What are you listening to right now: The Jack, ACDC
29. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Oh yes, a tomcat infact, and wish I did more often.
30. What's getting on your nerves right now: The fact that I'm sick and my arm kees going dead... and that I'm so indecisive.
31. Most visited webpage: Twitter and deviantArt
32. What's your real name: You mean you don't know it?
33. Nicknames: Ducky! Trouble, Rixy, His Keeper, a fair few mote aswell...
34. Relationship Status: Taken, but not to who everyone thinks.
36. Middle School: Alton Park
37. High school: CCSAC
38. Hair color: Dirty Blonde
39. Long or short: Long
40. Height: Too tall apparently
41. Do you have a crush on someone?: Depends on te day
42: What do you like about yourself?: My many talents and abilitys...
43. Piercings: Ears
44. Tattoos: None as yet, but I know what I'm getting...
45. Righty or lefty: Righty Tighty
FIRSTS :
46. First surgery: Adenoid removal..
47. First piercing: Ears
48. First best friend: Conor, forever
49. First sport you joined: Oh lord, Footy, soccer, the wimpy english sport.
50. First vacation: dunno...
51. First love: Person? Billy, I cared for that kid.
RIGHT NOW :
52. Eating: Nout
53. Drinking: Nyet
54. I'm about to: Yawn
55. Listening to: T.N.T/can I sit next to you girl ACDC
56. Waiting on: Sleep
YOUR FUTURE
57. Want kids?: Nah.
58. Get Married?: Nope, I don't like beimg contained
59. Career?: Not sure...
WHICH IS BETTER :
60. Lips or eyes: Eyes
61. Hugs or kisses: Hugs fix everything but I like a kiss...
62. Shorter or taller: Taller
63. Older or Younger: Older, they match my mental age..
64. Romantic or spontaneous: Torn...
65. Nice stomach or nice arms: Looks aren't important
66. Sensitive.? Aslong as they can take a ribbing...
67. Hook-up or relationship: Relo if it works
68. Trouble maker or hesitant: TROUBLE
HAVE YOU EVER :
69. Kissed a stranger: Define stranger...
70. Drank hard liquor: Alcohol, I'm against it.
71. Lost glasses/contacts: Glasses
72. Sex on first date: Nien...
73. Broken someone's heart: Yup...
74. Been arrested: Not yet
75. Turned someone down: yup
76. Cried when someone died: Da. Oui. Ja. R.I.P Declan
77. Fallen for a friend?: all the bloody time
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
78. Yourself: Depends on the day
79. Miracles: Nope
80. Love at first sight: Yes
80. Heaven: I'm living it... sorta
90. Santa Claus: YES! I shoot with him... :')
91. Kiss on the first date: Hmm... Maybe
92. Angels: Only fallen ones
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time?: Ya... *not ashamed *
94. Did you sing today?: Yup
95. Ever given your heart to somebody and have been rejected?: nope not really
96. If you could go back in time: Id make that kiss longer more passionate and sweeter, I never thought it'd be my last.
97. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: 6 May, Wackos B'Day
98. Are you afraid of falling in love?: Nyet, nope.
99. whats your star sign?: Scopio
100. Do you miss your exes?: Da. Ya I do, but tbf, I miss my Teddy Bear more...
I keep trying to excuse myself feom the stereotypical path set out for girls. But the truth is I follow the same path, whether I like it or not.
No, I don't wear make up, but I do keep basic hygiene and look after my figure.
No, I don't look up to a particular brilliant celebrity as a role model, but I do seek guidence from people I consider brilliant, and subconsciously learn and copy them.
No, I may not wear dresses, skirts or anything that shows my legs, but I do wear female clothing, skinny jeans, girls camo. (My only shorts are actually designed as a guys garment.)
I don't show my legs because like many girls I'm insecure about my body, but instead of wearing clothes that make it appear otherwise I make up for it by wearing longsleeve tops and jeans, heavy boots and hoodys that cover most my face and hair.
I'm not as snappy and full of attitude as some girls, but believe me I've a sharp tounge when its needed.
I don't deliberately go seeking attention like some, but I know I go about to get it despite the fact I'd rather be unnoticed at the back of the room, and yet I still attract it by being the teachers pet and the "perfect" student.
I'm not as loud in public about relationships and I certainly would display it like some do, but I do take interests and I do notice good looking people, but I aim for personality not looks as much.
I don't openly rebel, but in a school where most kids have sloppy uniform and break the rules, am I rebelling by obeying code of conduct?
My mates go for Black Veiled Brides, Slipknot and Avenged Sevenfold(Rock) and I go for Lynyrd Skynyrd, Queen and Status Quo. Just an older generation of their choices.
So am I different? Am I really as of the path as I think? No, to be truthful I'm not. But there's a fair few differences.
American, Israeli, Scottish, German, Greek, French, Austraian, Tanzanian and Canadian, and that's just some of the nationality sandwich of my friends.
23, 20, 18, 14, 7, 34, 40 and over 50, my friends aren't restricted by age, either.
But don't judge me by my friends alone, talk to me and you'll soon gather a clear impression.
I can be wise beyond my years or sillier than a 4 year old, I can be modest or I can blow my own horn. I can tell the honest truth or lie my arse off and you probably wont know the difference.
I can go from one alias to another in seconds, and I will earn my rank in anyway I see open to me, or maybe carve a door of my own.
I can try and fake it, I can seem bold and brave, reckless and dangerous, but the truth is something different.
The truth is I'm just an insecure, weak-willed, easily led 13 year old girl, who's had a little more heartbreak and life experience than some my age, but I've had some excellent advice too. You know what? I'm nothing special, but I'm gonna leave my mark on this world and I'm going to make sure people remember I was here, because truely? I want to make a difference. Help the bigger picture. If even just touch one life for the better then all this struggle is worth it.
ASTA LA VISTA, BABY, I'LL BE BACK.
